Carl: Can you tell me
briefly about the book?
Deborah: The Seven
Natural Laws of Love invites you to let go of the
idea that love is a means to an end. Instead of seeing
love as something that will make you happy if you can
get enough of it, consider the possibility of love as
way of being, of love as a state of consciousness. As
such it is independent of any particular person or set
of conditions. In other words, love is unlimited, impersonal
and unchanging. It cannot be lost nor can it be hoarded.
This kind of love is both a choice and surrender to something
beyond your ego. For most people, love is not volitional,
it's not a choice. It either happens or it doesn't and
we don't seem to have any say in the matter. While love
does not conform to the demands of the mind or the ego,
love can be consciously cultivated, nurtured and helped
to blossom, if we understand how. The Seven Natural
Laws are instructions for growing more love in your
When people hear the title they often ask “Are you
talking about romantic love or spiritual love?”
The answer is “Yes!”
Eros, as the ancient god of love was called, is one of
the oldest of all the gods. Over the centuries, his image
devolved from a powerful, independent elemental force,
to that of consort, and then son, of Aphrodite, the goddess
of love, and finally to the cute, but infantile, cupid
whose arrows aroused infatuation when aimed at the heart.
Today, the word eros conjures up sexual associations, but
the domain of Eros extends far beyond what we think of
as sex. Its function is more to bridge heaven and earth,
the human and the Divine! The Seven Natural Laws of
Love is about restoring some of the majesty to this
thing called Love. The book addresses both our hunger for
love and our confusion about how to find it and sustain
Carl: How did it come to be written? What need
were you addressing?
Deborah: Like many people, I've spent much of my
life in pursuit of true love. I even made a career of it.
Over the years I explored many different kinds of intimate
relationships and many different spiritual paths and practices.
When I turned fifty, I felt it was time to distill everything
I'd learned about love so that I could pass it on. Most
of it I learned the hard way—through trial and error.
I thought that if others could benefit from my mistakes—and
I've made plenty of them!—I could offer a valuable service.
Over the years it's become more and more apparent to me
that almost everything we're taught about loving and being
loved is distorted and upside down.. That is, most of what
we absorb from our culture, see modeled in our families
and in the media, and even what's taught to professional
therapists and marriage and family counselors doesn't help
us to know that we are loved. When we don't feel loved,
we have a hard time truly loving others. Instead we desperately
try to get love from someone else who has exactly the same
trouble. It simply doesn't work!
So many of us are obsessed with finding the love we long
for in a romantic relationship. When women talk with each
other, one of the first questions to come up is The Sweetheart
Question. “How's your love life? Who are you seeing? What's
happening with The Lover or The Boyfriend or The Husband?”
When I'm asked, “Who are you in relationship with?” and
I calmly answer, “Myself,” most people are shocked. Nevertheless,
until we realize that the most important relationship we
will ever have is with ourselves, all other relationships
Carl: Are the Seven Laws your original creation,
or were they derived from another source?
Deborah: Some people have reacted negatively to
the word law. It sounds like a commandment to them and
pushes those old “Question Authority” buttons!
I love how Jean-Yves Leloup has refined the translation
of Ten Commandments in his book, The Gospel of Mary
Magdalene. Instead of saying “Thou shalt” or “Thou
shalt not” he uses the words “You may” or “You may refrain
from.” This simple shift transforms an order into an invitation!
For example, the commandment, “Thou shalt not kill” becomes “You
may refrain from killing.” I am not presuming to even suggest
what others should and shouldn't be doing. I'm just sharing
my observations and experiences of how these universal
laws of love operate.
I certainly did not invent the
Seven Natural Laws! They are basic spiritual principles
that can be found in ancient wisdom schools all over the
planet. What I did was to synthesize the knowledge from
many different traditions and show how these laws can be
applied to love. The strongest influence for me is probably
the Sufi path, which I was first drawn to thirty years
ago, because of the way it includes and embraces all other
traditions. The great Sufi teacher and poet Mevlana Jelaleddin
Come, come again, whoever you
Rumi's poetry beautifully evokes
the Natural Laws of Love, and speaks from the heart of love.
My aim was to get just a little more concrete and specific
about hese same concepts. For example, one of Rumi's poems
Heathen, fire worshipper or idolatrous, come
Come even if you broke your penitence a hundred times,
Ours is the portal of hope, come as you are.
There is a passion in me
that doesn't long for anything
from another human being.
I was given something else,
A cap to wear in both worlds.
It fell off. No matter.
In The Seven Natural Laws of
Love I address this theme more directly and explicitly
in a chapter called The Law of Source. I am a great admirer
of Rumi, but sometimes it takes me years to understand
what he is pointing to. Hopefully, The Seven Natural
Laws provides another way of processing these ideas.
Carl: Are you developing workshops or other events
based on the Seven Laws?
Deborah: I don't have a plan to create events based
on the Seven Laws, other than book signings and other speaking
engagements to promote the book, but who knows what will
evolve! For the moment I'm just available to work with
people on the phone or in person, as a Love Coach, to help
them apply this ancient wisdom to their own lives.
Carl: I have to confess I'm a bit of a skeptic by
nature. While the laws all sound wonderful, I find myself
wondering whether the Law of Attraction, for example, really
works, or if love is really more a matter of luck. Can
you comment on your experience with these laws to demonstrate
why they are “laws” and not just wishful thinking?
Deborah: The book is full of real life stories,
from my own life and the lives of clients, which show how
these principles operate in real life. I've had many clients
who found that when they were alone and feeling needy and
desperate to find a partner, it doesn't seem to happen.
No matter how hard they try to find someone, the partner
they're seeking either doesn't show up, or doesn't stick
around. If they do manage to connect, they may end up fleeing
from a prospective partner who is even more clingy and
desperate than they are. When they're end at the end of
their rope, they seek professional help. And of course
many people make a decision to stop grasping and create
a fulfilling life for themselves on their own. Whatever
their journey, as soon as they find the core of love inside
and begin radiating joy and contentment, they magnetize
appropriate partners. I have no proof, but it doesn't seem
like luck to me that the external beloved so often arrives
once the internal beloved is recognized and acknowledged.
Many people have noticed that
when they're already in a vibrant and loving committed
partnership, they become very attractive to others. These
same people may have been alone and hopeless at another
time. They look the same, they do the same things, so what's
changed? Again I have no proof, and you could argue that
there's no cause and effect relationship between one's
vibration and one's attractiveness, but in any case it
doesn't matter because once a person chooses to tune their
consciousness to love, regardless of what happens, it's
not so important to them whether they have a partner or
Carl: Why seven laws? Do they have any correlation
to the chakras, or any other system of seven?
Deborah: Yes, the laws correlate to the chakra system,
but the seven laws, like the seven chakras are somewhat
arbitrary. In some systems there are eight chakras, or
twelve. Some of these natural laws could be broken down
into several principles, or combined into one. For example,
the fifth law, the Law of Truth, corresponds to the throat
chakra. I address both truth and freedom in this chapter,
because both are attributes of the fifth chakra. I could
have given the Law of Freedom its own chapter. Instead
I decided to focus on the connection between truth and
freedom and how they synergize to generate more love.
Carl McColman is an independent
writer and spiritual teacher based in Atlanta, GA.
His most recent book is 366 Celt: A Year and a Day of
Celtic Wisdom and Lore.
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© Deborah Taj Anapol